A lighthouse is a tower, building, or other type of physical structure designed to emit light from a system of lamps and lenses and to serve as a beacon for navigational aid for maritime pilots at sea or on inland waterways. 1 We all realize at some point that we cannot change people unless they are ready to change themselves. You can recommend all the books, your routine, regimen, and personal development hacks and tricks, but until they are ready to change it won’t work. Most of us get into romantic relationships to change our partner, not realizing that people change when they are ready and at their own pace. Leadership is a verb, not a noun; change yourself first to change people.
I am into personal development and self-improvement; it is always tempting to share what I recently learnt and insights I garnered from reading books, listening to podcasts, watching documentaries, my fitness routine journey or other personal growth tips. But what I have discovered after much resistance from people is that people change at their own pace and time. We are all at different junctions in our lives, and as the saying goes, “When the learner is ready the teacher arrives.”. I have had to change my strategy from trying to convince people to try personal development to become a lighthouse, show, don’t tell. This blog is part of that strategy, instead of encouraging someone to read, I read myself, instead of pontificating about the joy of running, I run extensively, instead of trying to convince people about the importance of personal development, I lead an inspiring life, and eventually, they see the results.
The three catalysts of change, according to Leadership author John C. Maxwell are as follows:: People change when they hurt enough that they have to change. People change when they learn enough that they want to change. People change when they receive enough that they are able to change.
“People change when they … Hurt enough that they have to, Learn enough that they want to, and Receive enough that they are able to.” – John C. Maxwell
In one of my favourite poems of all time, “I wanted to Change the World” poem which is about becoming the change you want in the world and ultimately becoming a lighthouse:
“When I was a young man, I wanted to change the world. I found it difficult to change the world, so I tried to change my nation. When I found I couldn’t change the nation, I began to focus on my town. I couldn’t change the town and as an older man, I tried to change my family.
Now, as an old man, I realize the only thing I can change is myself, and suddenly I realize that if long ago I had changed myself, I could have made an impact on my family. My family and I could have made an impact on our town. Their impact could have changed the nation and I could indeed have changed the world.”
Change yourself
In order for you to get off the emotional roller coaster, you will have to give up the fantasy that you can or should change someone else. When you let go of this belief, you will be able to claim the power that is truly yours: the power to change yourself.
Consider a lighthouse. It stands on the shore with its beckoning light, guiding ships safely into the harbor. The lighthouse can’t uproot itself, wade out into the water, grab the ship by the stern, and say, “Listen, you fool! If you stay on this path, you may break up on the rocks!
No, the ship has some responsibility for its own destiny. It can choose to be guided by the lighthouse. Or it can go its own way. The lighthouse is not responsible for the ship’s decisions. All it can do is be the best lighthouse it knows how to be. 3
“Allow people to be who they are instead of what you want them to be. Send healthy support messages like, “I’m here if you need me, but your choices—and the consequences—belong to you.”
In his book, The Catalyst: How to Change Anyone’s Mind 4, Wharton School professor and bestselling author Jonah Berger shares a framework for effecting change: REDUCE (Reactance, Endowment, Distance, Uncertainty, and Corroborating Evidence).
Reactance
Pushing, telling, or just encouraging people to do something often makes them less likely to do it.
When pushed, people push back. Just like a missile defense system protects against incoming projectiles, people have an innate anti-persuasion system. Radar that kicks in when they sense someone is trying to convince them. To lower this barrier, catalysts encourage people to persuade themselves.
Endowment
Change is hard because people tend to overvalue what they have: what they already own or are already doing.
As the old saying goes, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. People are wedded to what they’re already doing. And unless what they’re doing is terrible, they don’t want to switch. To ease endowment, or people’s attachment to the status quo, catalysts highlight how inaction isn’t as costless as it seems
Distance
Start with a place of agreement and pivot from there to switch the field. Connecting to these parallel directions should move them enough to see the initial topic differently.
People have an innate anti-persuasion system, but even when we just provide information, sometimes it backfires. Why? Another barrier is distance. If new information is within people’s zone of acceptance, they’re willing to listen. But if it is too far away, in the region of rejection, everything flips. Communication is ignored or, even worse, increases opposition.
Uncertainty
People are risk-averse. They like knowing what they are getting, and as long as what they are getting is positive, they prefer sure things to risky ones. Even if the risky choice is better, on average.
Change often involves uncertainty. Will a new product, service, or idea be as good as the old one? It’s hard to know for sure, and this uncertainty makes people hit the pause button, halting action. To overcome this barrier, catalysts make things easier to try. Like free samples at the supermarket or test drives at the car dealership, reducing risk by letting people experience things for themselves.
Corroborating Evidence
If one person says you have a tail, you laugh and think they’re crazy. But if three people say it, you turn around to look.
Sometimes one person, no matter how knowledgeable or assured, is not enough. Some things just need more proof. More evidence to overcome the translation problem and drive change. Sure, one person endorsed something, but what does their endorsement say about whether I’ll like it? To overcome this barrier, catalysts find reinforcement. Corroborating evidence.
Meditations
Daily Jay with Jay Shetty – Lead by Example
The proof is in the pudding: Don’t try to convince me that you make a good pudding; just make it for me, let me try it, and I will see it for myself. It is more the same in personal growth and trying to inspire others.
Be a model instead of a mouthpiece, exhibit patience instead of preaching patience, and inhabit calm instead of counselling calm.
Be a model instead of a mouthpiece, exhibit patience instead of preaching patience, and inhabit calm instead of counselling calm. It can be helpful to share your secret if others would like to follow in your footsteps. The key is that you don’t moralize to put pressure on people; that is not effective.
Daily Calm with Tamara Levitt – Sand Castles
Give space to all that arises without resisting your experience; allow everything to flow through you.
Like the sand castle, nothing in this life remains the same: the seasons change, our body ages and our relationships end. We have a choice, we can either resist change, or we can surrender to it. The more we practice surrender and openness to change, the more easily we flow from one situation to the next; from one stage of life to another.
“I give you this to take with you: Nothing remains as it was. If you know this, you can begin again, with pure joy in the uprooting.” ― Judith Minty, Letter to my daughters
Podcast
Jerrod Carmichael ON: Reframing Shame into Self- Growth & Emotional Blocks That Stop Us from Having a Healthy Relationship | On Purpose with Jay Shetty
All the Best in your quest to get better. Don’t Settle: Live with Passion
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