A centered life is one that is grounded in your core values rather than changing based on the most recent trend, compliment, or outside expectation.
In Homecoming: Healing Trauma to Reclaim Your Authentic Self, clinical psychologist and ordained minister, Dr. Thema Bryant writes about how stress, trauma and unresolved grief gets us disconnected from our authentic self. As a survivor of sexual assault, racism, and evacuation from a civil war in Liberia, Dr. Thema knows firsthand what it means to be traumatized and the work required to reconnect with ones’ authentic self.
Homecoming
Homecoming begins as you set an intention to reconnect to yourself, to acknowledge and heal the disconnection so you can be your authentic self again—or for the first time. The stress and traumas of life may have disconnected you from your sense of self, your confidence, and even your thoughts and feelings. As you heal and grow, you get to a place of appreciating and honoring yourself in mind, body, heart, and spirit.
FEELING HOMESICK
You may be homesick, longing for your psychological home, which is not based on geography or a physical living space, but your interior life—it is the ability to know, honor, appreciate, and love yourself wherever you are. You are a sacred being, worthy of care and compassion, and you are not alone.
“Homecoming requires truth-telling—both to ourselves and to others.”
Homecoming is a return to authentic living that is based on truth, self-acceptance, and an aligning of action with values and purpose. Home is more than a physical location; it is an emotional and spiritual space of belonging, appreciation, and love. Homecoming is moving away from the detours and disconnections and coming back to the wisdom housed in our hearts, minds.
To decide I need a homecoming means I have recognized that there are some ways in which I have been living disconnected or unaware of myself, my needs, my wounds, my knowledge, or even my dreams.
Should-Dos
Should-dos are the instructions that you have received from those around you or from the larger society. You may have received should-dos from your family, your teachers, the media, your friends, people you admire, and even people who despise you. We are bombarded with so many messages that tell us that because we belong to a particular family, community, race, gender, religion, age group, or whatever, we are supposed to live a certain way.
Some parts of these scripts may resonate with us, while other parts don’t ring true. As you shed the weight of other people’s expectations and demands for your life, time, and resources, you come home to a life that resonates with, awakens, and animates you.
The Performant Life
Some of us have been performing for so long that we have lost sight of the truth of how we feel. We want everyone to believe that everything is fine. We want to appear strong and flawless. These performances are exhausting and do not leave room for us. We need to find or create spaces where we can be at home with ourselves, with our thoughts and feelings. For some, that may be in the shower or alone in the car. Let’s set the intention of carving out more space where we are free to feel and express what we feel.
To come home to yourself is to reject the pressure of self-erasure and perpetual busyness. You can tell yourself the truth: busyness has not brought healing or relief, only distraction and superficial accolades. You desire something much deeper and more fulfilling than a new job title and more liberating than the temporary favor of public opinion.
As we heal the wounds that may have caused us to doubt ourselves, we begin to walk (or run) away from spaces and people that hold our voice, body, heart, mind, dreams, or safety hostage. The truth is that how you are treated is not a reflection of your worth or identity. You may believe or you have been told that if you deserved better, you would be treated better, but this is not true. To devalue and demean another person speaks to an issue with the abuser, not the abused.
Stepping away from mistreatment is not a failure; it is a win. It means you are walking in faith toward what you cannot yet see but what you believe is important. Walking away from mistreatment means walking toward wellness, mutuality, respect, freedom, hope, and yes, love.
Re-Parenting
We can spend years being stuck, sad, and mad about what we did not get, but if we just remain in that place, we will never fully manifest the fullness of who we can be. Instead, while we give ourselves space to grieve and permission to be angry, disappointed, or sad, we also can make the decision to give ourselves what we never had.
“Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.” – Audre Lorde
Self-Care
Self-care involves attending to our whole selves—mind, body, and spirit. It is a radical approach to living, particularly because so many of us have, to varying degrees, been living disconnected from ourselves as a result of self-neglect or self-erasure.
“It is often easier to recount the ways that family, friends, or romantic partners have let us down than to recognize how we have denied our own needs, feelings, or goals. If someone does not show up for us, support our dreams, understand our fears, celebrate our wins, grieve our losses, or give us time and attention, we usually recognize that they are not a good friend. ”
“Self-neglect is a path to self-destruction, and if we are on that path, we are in dire need of a change of direction.”
Continued Growth
Sometimes we mistakenly give credit to our trauma and stress for our growth. But there are people who have experienced the same sources of stress and trauma who did not grow as a result of it. Be mindful of your language. It is not the rape, war, child abuse, or racism that made you a better, wiser, or stronger person. It is the ways in which you were able to manage, cope with, and heal those experiences, with the help of internal and external resources that empowered your growth. If you are not careful, you will overlook the role of your thought processes, cultural resources, spiritual practices, artistry, therapy, and social support in rebuilding your life.
All the Best inyour quest to get better. Don’t Settle: Live with Passion.
